Accepting difference, celebrating strength and modelling prayer

A mother, maths teacher and Chinese-Australian’s perspective

An Interview with Emily Neems

This article is part of a series of interviews with families experiencing disability and their faith.

For young Samuel there are few things that satisfy like finding lizards and bugs in the yard. At eight years old he’s become a walking encyclopaedia about the critters. Samuel is also a sensitive child, especially when it comes to matters of justice and fairness in sibling rivalry. He’s cautious about playing sports, because, well, why risk getting injured? He plays the piano to please mum and dad but as soon as the lesson’s done, he’s outside in a flash.

Samuel showing a stick insect he discovered in the yard

Emily, Samuel’s mother, has a fascinating story. The relationships she has with her children and high school students have a unique quality that has come from a tapestry of experiences - cultural, geographical, vocational and spiritual. I learnt a lot from meeting her and I’m sure Emily’s story will be valuable to others.

In the early noughties, twenty year old Emily started a fairly typical journey of many Chinese international students, arriving in Australia to start an accounting degree. But things shifted unexpectedly. “I thought [accounting] would become a job. But then I was doing some tutoring and that's when I realised I actually enjoyed teaching. And so I retrained as a teacher,” explains Emily.

A few years before, Emily herself had been tutored in China. One particular discussion with her tutor would change her life. He told her the gospel, the good news about God’s love for humanity. God had died for Emily’s sin to bring her into a relationship with him, the one who made her. Emily shares, “I didn't really understand at the time, but that's when I first heard about it. And he gave me a Bible.” God had begun to grow a seed in her heart that wouldn’t sprout for a little while yet.  

Emily on her graduation day

Coming to Australia opened up more freedom to investigate God. Emily explains, “it was not until I came to Australia, that I thought, well, I should go to church. I want to make some friends. Another reason was to learn. I intentionally wanted to go to an English church to learn the language.” Emily’s uni years were “when I really studied the Bible a lot and spent a lot of time praying and reading and listening. That was a good three or four years.” This season was preparing Emily for the future in ways she could not have known.  

Emily’s first experience of disability was when a friend had a child with Downs Syndrome. Unlike many people who would have withdrawn, Emily and her husband moved towards this family rather than away.

“we never thought this could happen to us or to anyone we knew. It seemed very distant. At the time when our friend had a child with Down syndrome, we were quite shocked and we didn't know how to support her. And then we thought maybe we can get a book and read about it, a Christian book that talks about disability. So we had a good read and I think that really helped us.”

Emily and John as newlyweds on a trip to Tasmania

For Samuel, Emily and John’s son, it was a journey of discovery rather than a sudden shock to find out he experienced neurodiversity. Emily shares

“when he was young we noticed he did not make much eye contact. But he was quite articulate as a kid, he could speak and talk quite well, even at the age of two. He started preschool at four years old and straight away, just three to four weeks into preschool they called us in for a meeting. They asked us to take him for some developmental assessments, because they’d noticed he was often getting into other people's space without realising it. And he seemed to be happy being on his own, playing by himself outside when everyone else was inside. He wasn’t aware of what was happening around him. His handwriting was a bit delayed compared to other kids and he didn’t know how to hold scissors.” 

Though this might have been hard news to hear, Emily was grateful. “The preschool was very helpful,” she shares. They didn’t want Samuel to miss out on early intervention and the outcome was that Samuel began six months of occupational therapy to develop his school readiness. It seemed to do the trick. 

Fast forward to Year 1 and Samuel was again drawing attention from an astute teacher. The teacher noticed Samuel had difficulty focusing and following instructions. The school counsellor suggested that Samuel be assessed for ADHD. Although he seemed able to follow instructions at home, the impressions of his teachers were confirmed, and he was formally diagnosed with ADHD. Earlier this year Samuel was also diagnosed with ASD.*

These diagnoses mean that Samuel can access NDIS funding. Emily hopes that Samuel can start school based speech pathology sessions to help develop his social and conversational skills in context. Emily has seen a need for this after a recent meeting with his teacher.

“They’ve noticed his interaction with other kids is only okay when they want to do what he's doing. At the moment he's catching lizards at school, and some kids will do it for one day out of the blue, but not every single day with him. But he doesn't know how to join in to play with other kids.” 

Samuel has started to say that he wishes he had more friends. One hurdle is his lack of confidence playing soccer and other sports. So they’ve started practising soccer in the backyard to help build his self-confidence. 

I raise the question of medication for ADHD and whether Emily and John are considering this

“being a teacher I see that a lot of kids with ADHD need medication as they get to high school. There's a lot of changes, a lot of transitions that they really can't manage. And every subject is one hour with a different teacher. If you have spent the time not focusing [and then move to the next class] you are missing out on a lot. So I think it will be helpful by that time [if Samuel takes] medication for ADHD. But at the moment because he's in primary school, he’s with the same teacher all day.”

I ask Emily to share some advice for Chinese parents of kids with ASD or ADHD. She tells me,

“I think if I wasn't a teacher, and being Chinese, I would have been one of those tiger mums thinking my kid has to get A’s. If they don't get A’s they need tutoring until they do get A’s. I think there’s a trend in China now where every kid's doing extra tutoring and extra work. As parents we can think we need to be ahead of other people. I do believe that gifted and talented kids need to be challenged and work ahead, but not everyone. We should accept that some kids are average. But every kid has interests and strengths that they can develop. It doesn’t have to be all about academics. It’s important to have a basic academic foundation, school is important, but kids should have time to develop… It could be music, it could be art… but not just study. They actually need to enjoy parts of their life, which are good for wellbeing and for their mental health. I think kids and parents are under a lot of stress in China and a lot of kids are ending up with mental health issues.”

Through first hand experience as a teacher and parent of a neurodiverse child Emily has invaluable insight, 

“It's not that kids want to be in trouble. When there are behaviour issues it's often because of learning difficulty. They're not [understanding the information] yet are expected to do all this work. It looks to them like all the things are jumping out [from the page]. They can't do it, but we think they're not trying their best. Now that I understand more, when I notice students have difficulty, I can make some adjustments to accommodate them, instead of expecting everybody to finish at the same pace and complete the same amount of work. This also applies to Samuel; I can see that he can do the work but he needs a lot of repetition. There’s some sums that he will learn today, and then forget tomorrow, unless he repeats them again and again. It’s the same with following instructions. I need to give him a lot of reminders even for day to day tasks, otherwise he doesn't remember what I told him to do. He needs support through visual reminders and prompts, to be able to function in all the tasks that he faces every day.”

On reflection Emily can see how different things were growing up in China, “I never noticed anyone going to any therapy, it's not something we heard about in China. If a child is behind they just get tutoring or they just work harder, rather than thinking about using different strategies to teach them, like scaffolding.”

There’s aspects to Samuel’s development much less in her and John’s hands than academics. Emily shares honestly, 

“We do need to pray a lot about things like friendships. We talk about it [as parents] and say well, there's not really much we can do. We can encourage him but we really don't know what's happening every day at school or on the playground, you know. So we pray that God will give him wisdom and hopefully the therapists will be able to help him develop these skills. I don't expect him to be the same as neurotypical kids; I don't need him to mask like that. [What’s important is that] he feels happy and he's got a couple friends at school that he can speak up for, and they can speak up for him.” 

Emily and John seek to pass down to Samuel the deep value of prayer. That he “needs to trust God and pray about difficult situations.” Emily continues, “[trials are] a good opportunity [to encourage Samuel. Often] we don't pray until we face problems in life. God made us this way and we just accept that. Everyone's different.”

Samuel crouching beside a water dragon

She acknowledges there’s a place for therapy in supporting neurodiverse people “to learn some skills” but says with assurance “you don't have to pretend you are a neurotypical person. It's okay to be different, it's okay to enjoy your life in a different way and to have friends that like what you do, and that's where you find a connection. You don't have to force yourself to do something you don't enjoy just because you want to make some more friends, or to become more popular, [which leads to] more stress and anxiety. I want to see Samuel like that, knowing that he doesn't need to pretend to be someone else. I want to celebrate his successes and strengths.” She continues, “there's a lot of strengths that we see in Samuel. [Especially] when he's focused on something, when he really enjoys something.” She shares with enthusiasm; “he knows all of these insect facts and reptile facts.” Emily wonders where these interests might lead, “I’d be happy for him to work in a national park, or reptile or wildlife park…  anything like that if he's enjoying it, and he's using his strengths. He doesn't have to be a university professor.”

I ask Emily what she’s learned about God and herself through this journey of parenting a child with additional needs. She highlights this verse from the Bible:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“God made us all and designed us in a [particular] way” she shares. “He will also work in our life and has his plan for each one of us. I guess this is [what gives me] peace and hope.” In a society where we crave and even demand comfort and ease, Emily’s outlook is remarkably different, “we don't live in a world that's trouble free, [rather in this world] we see suffering, difficulties and challenges. That perspective helps us to see that troubles are normal, we can’t think that there shouldn't be any. She points to the words of Jesus when he said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33b). 

Family Photo

Emily emphases, “[what’s important is that] we can trust God, and [trust Him] with our children. [Even though we don’t know] what their future will be like, we can pray. We as parents do what we can, we provide what we can, and leave the result to God.” 

*When Sam received a diagnosis of Autism Emily read the book ‘Love & Autism: Five True Stories about Neurodivergent Life and Love’ by Kay Kerr. The author has Autism as well as the interviewees (one of the stories is about Michael from ‘Love on the Spectrum’ the ABC program). Emily talks highly of the book; “they give a personal account about their childhood and how their diagnosis impacts their lives. It was very powerful to hear from the neurodivergent community sharing about what they think acceptance  or love is for them.

Fiona Jongsma

This article was first published in The 139 Collective